The Witcher 3, Talking Appliances, Chapter 12 the damned, Dandelions Suck

The game takes place in a fictional fantasy world based on Slavonic mythology. Players control Geralt of Rivia, a monster slayer for hire known as a Witcher, and search for his adopted daughter, who is on the run from the otherworldly Wild Hunt.

In the town of White Orchard, Geralt reunites with his long lost lover, Yennefer. She informs Geralt that Emperor Emhyr has summoned him to the city of Vizima. There, Emhyr tasks Geralt with finding Ciri, who has been recently spotted in various locations. Ciri is a Child of the Elder Blood, the last heir to an ancient Elven bloodline that bestows her with the power to manipulate space and time.

(lightly lifted from Wikipedia)

The Dandelion Saga

So after I’d made the decision to kill the yellow beasts in my yard, my elderly neighbor introduced me to a useful tool. Grampa’s Weeder. This thing has been around since 1913! Even grandpa hated those fucking dandelions. It looks like something from a horror movie, but, oddly enough it works in a very satisfying way. https://grampasweeder.com

She loaned it to me, and as I held the tool in my hands and looked at the backyard, I knew in my heart of hearts, there was no way this thing was going to handle the sheer masses I had. Grandpa would have given in—he would have been making grass angles with a glass of sweet lemon, tea and vodka.

That Damned Chapter

Normally I post my story chapters on Booksiesilk. It’s a great little site, recently though—they’ve been doing maintenance, and I’ve had issues uploading graphics, so I’m waiting it out till they are done. Which maybe?—Maybe has been a good thing? It’s taken me longer than normal to deal with Chapter 12. As I stated in my last post there is a lot of exposition in it. Which can be death, and I don’t mean “the little death” as the french do. I’m not a fan of it—exposition, it’s a dirty job but it must be done. I can watch a new TV show or movie and usually see it coming a mile-a-way. The trick is: you have to be smooth. You have to slide it in without it being advert. (Said none of my lovers, ever) So I’ve gone through the chapter, cutting out lines, asking myself is this necessary? Does it forward the plot? Is it interesting? But, probably like a lot of writers… I’m too damn wordy. It’s a real skill to edit yourself. Killing your darlings… or whatever they say. Everything must flow with a rhythm, even words on a page. Thank you sensei.

I made this catchy graphic. Feel free to use it.

So as an ode to the things I’ve cut, I present:

Lost Excerpts, while my word processor gently bleeds.

The thoughts beat around his head like several monkeys rioting for bananas. He felt the timer ticking, he felt his tongue vibrating wildly with objections. This might be a trick! Fuck! The words rioted in his head. Then, one of the monkeys broke out.

“Yes, young minds at the carnival waiting to be seduced. When the world plays hooky in pursuit of Ferris wheels, cotton candy, carnival games, carnivorous sugar rushes and gluttonous extremes; of hidden things that have been rolled up behind happy facades waiting to be unfurled by a barkers tongue.” Asmodeus rasped poetically.

The devils chamber was not as you’d expect. It was more like a Victorian parlor, clean, well kept and seething in sublime. It was like a fine veneer covering the horrible particle-board of reality. The caves of death, the seven circles, the river of despair, the various continents of torture, and even the dungeon of indecency with foam castle-wall interior and waterbed rack. All far below, out of site, out of mind, under wraps from the order of the high home-office parlor; where things ran as they should, as you’d expect—smoothly, from the one in charge.

“Back in the day they had a habit of switching partners, we call it swinging.” A tapestry unfurled itself on the wall of an ancient after-hours May Day celebration. “It was actually for protection,” Beezie continued. “To further the species, to ensure during infertile times that the village would continue to grow—hence, sex-parties. It was like having your neighbors over for wine and fucking.”

The Witcher 3 Wild Hunt, this aint no Pacman.

Appliances that talk to each other

I’ve heard about this. A friend told me they have a washer and dryer that talk to each other, Example: If the dryer is finishing faster than the washer (this sounds like an sex analogy) apparently the dryer will talk to the washer and tell it to hurry up, and visa-versa. Do we need this? Maybe. I did some research. I was reminded of the fridge that has Alexa inside it. The fridge decides your dinner based on the contents of your fridge (which it sees) and tells you to pile it out, over to the stove. Personally, if it tells me eat something with radishes, I’m boycotting. I hate radishes, nasty fucking pungent things. You can even control your dishwasher via voice command. Frankly I wish someone would invent a connection between the shower and the toilet. Too many older houses… one flush, scalded privies. Or maybe between the can-opener and the stove, or even the front door… and a Roomba-vacuum that follows your guest around to suck up any mother nature they may have brought in. That wouldn’t be annoying, at all. (Yes… I’m ahead of my time)

Gratzi Pixabay and smart talking iron

In all of these unique, time saving modern technology, there seams to be something missing. The middle man. The machine that puts the ingredients together and cooks it up on the stove. The machine that transfers your laundry from the washer to the dryer and then folds it neatly sticking it in your drawers and hanging it up in your closets. The Middle Man. The machine that puts the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Sigh… will they ever replace the middle man?

Although, I did find this snappy little gal on EBAY for $33,000, and! Free shipping! Perhaps beer assist is getting closer? Anybody watched that West World series on HBO? Dear god… it’s coming.

Please teach it to make bacon. Here me lord.

Note: They do not have these fancy appliances in The Witcher 3, they used magic. Thank you. Example: If you’re going to take down a mighty Rot-fiend, or a Leshen, you’re going to get dirty. Mud, sweat, other peoples blood, pollen, etc. But yet his clothes always returned clean. Now that’s some fucking powerful magic.

Gratuitous bathing in the Witcher 3 the Wild Hunt

The Dandelion Saga Continues

So I found myself at Lowes, pouring over the directions on every package… every bottle, sack, spray of weed killer I could find. When I was a child I’d never imagined anyone doing something so boring as this as a grown-up. Sorry little Mr. Wicke, adulthood can be harsh. Instructions after instructions, “OK for pets after it dries.” “Don’t spray in dirt.” “Don’t mow your lawn 24 hours before use.” “Water your lawn before use, within 24 hours.” “Irrigate your lawn 24 hours after use.” “Mulch your yard 48 hours after use.” “Mulch your lawn three consecutive times.” “Use 6.5 ounces per 1000 sq!”

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

“Fucking dandelions!!”

So I gave in, waited for a sunny weekend… waited till I was home alone and stationed the dog inside the house. I screwed the bottle of Spectracide onto my garden hose and I let those bastards have it. (OK! I know the bees like the flowers! I know we need the bees! I’ll be planting wild flowers to make up for it)

48 hours later most of them had become a mass of dead withered twisted corpses with corroded stems and blackened petals. I smiled. I smiled with a song in my heart. I am a bastard.

About 4 days after general extinction. I noticed something peculiar. The dying flowers were still turning to blow balls! What?! They were spouting their seeds! How is this possible? Well… it was only a few… probably a few I missed with the spray. A day or so after that… more of it was happening! Till it seemed that almost every dead dandelion was still producing those horrible white seeds! Damn’t!!!!

The next thing I know I’m out in the back yard with Grandpa’s Weeder desperately trying to pull every one of those damn peckers out by hand. At 6 o’clock at night, mind you, when I would rather be doing wicked things. Where were all those Grandpas from ages past? Couldn’t they all magically appear with the antique weed puller in hand, and help? An army of suspenders and tan high-waters, holding a glass of tea and methodically staking the jagged green bombs right in the heart? No. Wait! There must be a talking appliance! All this smart tech! Surely this must exist… maybe a sexy lawn Roomba that will automatically pull weeds when an electronic garden gnome detects growth?

Clearly, I was tired. Clearly, I was giving up for the night.

8pm. Exhausted, I sat on the back patio, Corona in hand. I looked around the yard, and there was more. Still… More! I was beginning to feel like a character in an Edgar Allan Poe story.

“Will you ever die!?” I shrieked at the lawn.

Said the dandelions, “Nevermore.”

Fuck this. I went inside and played some Witcher. I smiled again to myself. This was fun. Kicking back on the bed wearing a comfy tank top and my boxer briefs… I began a new quest. Heading through a lush forest on my trusty horse, over the bridge and into the medieval city of Novigrad. Look! Some derelicts are causing trouble! I shall show them my sword, and perhaps some Igni. “Take that! You hooligans!” and just like that… they were dead. You’re welcome Novigrad.

Now I will stop in at the Rosemary and Thyme; a pub, and have a drink.

And then it happened. Right there in my face… as if I was being mocked.

Dandelion from Witcher 3, the Wild Hunt. Really?

I went to bed.

Peace, Love and Dandelions. Until next time.

-Joseph

11 thoughts on “The Witcher 3, Talking Appliances, Chapter 12 the damned, Dandelions Suck

  1. Dandelions and pancakes were two things I was thinking about today, and lord and behold, you have both subjects in your blog and your newest chapter of Isabella’s story. Wow!

    Thanks so much for sharing your wonderful sense of humor over your frustration with gardening (I could never do it) and your love of video games. I have played a little of Witcher 3 but never finished it. I found it challenging but always considered going back to it at some point, like Skyrim, which I’ve also never completed. Ugh. Days Gone has my attention at the moment with the latest Assassin’s Creed, which I have only a few missions left. If you couldn’t tell, I prefer RPGs because I enjoy good stories no matter how I engage them. 😉

    The problem is that I’m easily distracted. I suppose in writing, that can be a bad thing, leading to bad habits like not finishing what I start. Regardless, I attempt to be more disciplined when writing. Should I get stuck, instead of giving up, I simply conduct more research because, most likely, whatever I’m attempting to write has not fully developed yet.

    Like you, though, I play video games when too tired to do anything else like watch TV (I do little of that) or look at a device (phone, tablet, or laptop) for reading, social media, and games. I also enjoy reading but haven’t found myself disciplined enough to do that of late. Different writing projects have kept me pretty busy while Silk is on the fritz, but that’s never stopped me before (I post on Inkitt weekly). Silk is just my favorite out of all the writing sites I rotate through, and it’s the one I enjoy playing on the most. It will be interesting to see what Silk looks like when Booksie Guy is through with it.

    As always, wordy people are the hardest to edit. I should know. I’m one of the most notorious wordsmiths around. Cutting words are like cutting chunks of fat off the steak. At some point, you gotta cut the fat so that you can taste the lean, mean, and what flows with the whole machine. You dig? The writing is better for it in examining your work with those clarifying questions you mentioned. If it took you longer to flush the chapter out because of the edit? I couldn’t tell. I loved every bit of your newest offering and definitely eagerly await what more juicy revelry you have in store. 🙂

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  2. Hi Amy! I fell in love with Witcher 3, I haven’t played the earlier Witcher games. I was blown away by the whole thing, the scenery, the story, the characters… etc. Skyrim just couldn’t engage me. I tried. I did like Fallout 3 and 4. I haven’t tried Days Gone, but I’ve been really wanting to try Valhalla. You have convinced me to get the game. Another game a little off the beaten path that I’ve been waiting for is Bio-Mutant, it looks fun and has an action RPG system. Its coming out this month!
    https://www.biomutant.com/en/

    Ya strange you were thinking about dandelions and pancakes! Lol. Should I ask what made you think about those?

    I know about getting distracted, or just plain too busy. Sometimes diving into research is so rewarding (and sometimes fascinating), and then other times… it’s like going down the rabbit hole. Kinda like the donkey and the carrot. Lol. Thank you for your compliment on the story. That means a lot. I cut so much out of it, but I still feel I should cut more. Oh! and I guess Silk is more or less back to normal? No more pictures, unless you pay for membership. I hate seeing all those generic book covers. Oh well, such is life.

    I’ll have to find you on Inkitt. Yep, cutting chunks of fat off steak… gotta do it, as long as I can still eat bacon 😉 (with juicy revelry)

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    • I thought about pancakes because well why not? LOL! My husband makes the best of those light fluffy darlings with copious amounts of butter and maple syrup and sometimes honey. And the dandelions for the obvious reasons since I saw the little yellow weeds invade the yard. Unlike you, I had not time to lament over them because the family of rabbits on our property love them and we see them dining on them every morning and evening. The same is true for any they miss with their fuzzy white heads. The rabbits have always been a natural remedy for weeds.

      Thanks for the tip on Bio-Mutant. I am not familiar with it, but my husband might be. I was just asking him about new games coming out the other day. He knows well what I like. 😉

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  3. Have him check out Biomutant. It looks like a wicked silly game. (with Kung Fu action, and RPG elements, who can resist that?) lol. We have a lot of wild life around here, but I haven’t seen one rabbit! That’s gotta beat grandpa’s weeder.

    I’m still trying to perfect the “fluffy” part of the pancake. Same thing with biscuits. 😉

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